Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Unbearable Downwardness of Gravity
I blame gravity for just about every physical inconvenience I’ve suffered since having kids; every embarrassment (ever farted during yoga class despite your tightest tight-ass efforts?); every shift in my weight or mood. Pregnancy and childbirth may have contributed some here and there, but gravity is the real bad guy. It sneaks up and shoves us down the hill, when we’d rather stroll and enjoy the view. My body’s battle with Public Enemy Number One began around my 40th birthday. I knew something was up when, one night, my husband and I were out to dinner, and I couldn’t read the menu. The letters were too small, I said. Did they really expect people to be able to decipher microscopic print by candlelight? My husband, who is as blind as Mr. Magoo, rolled his eyes at me, held up his menu across the table and said, “Read this.” I rattled off every dish like a pro. Turned out the problem wasn’t the menu, it was my arm. Not long enough.
What did gravity have to do with my nascent far-sightedness? Something, I was sure. It was probably tugging on my tired, overworked eye muscles. Anyway, I broke down and got half-moons with bumblebee frames. Granny glasses, I moaned. No, no, said a male friend of mine. Sexy glasses. Librarian-sexy. The kind of specs that you fling across the room when you take the pins out of your luxurious, swirling mane of chestnut hair. Right. I learned to keep the glasses hidden, but handy. If only glasses were the worst of it…
A year later, I was looking in the mirror and saw that one breast was lower than the other. Way lower. Wait, they were BOTH lower. My once perky girls looked more like a pair of war-weary veterans. They weren’t just sagging; they were further south than Miami. What’s worse, after showering I had to lift each one up and dry underneath. Still do. If I don’t, I am sure mold would probably start growing there. Now every day brings a new discovery of droop somewhere on my body. My butt cheeks are distinctly more oblong than round, and I’ve recently noticed a slight, insidious overhang around my jaw line. Not extra flesh, just flesh stretching downward, reaching for the ground despite itself, unable to resist the siren call of gravity. What’s next? Wattles where my triceps used to be? Liver spots? Crow’s feet? Knees without caps? Saggy eyelids? Longer hair?
Maybe I’ll just email Nora Ephron and get her personal trainer’s number.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Who Stole My Mojo?
It all started with a birthday party. My cousin was turning 50. I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t even say it aloud without breaking into a peri-menopausal sweat. Just a few years ago, 50 was a distant land that others visited; it sounded so old, so foreign, so AARP. Then suddenly, WHAMMO! It’s breathing down my neck, no matter how fast I run.
So Cousin Marge the jewelry designer was trumpeting the arrival of her 50th year, kicking and screaming, with a girls’ throwdown in Manhattan, a family-only sleepover at Cousin Mary’s West Side swankienda (she’s single, well-heeled, successful, driven and gorgeous – want to slap her, don’t you?) Needless to say, I packed in black, from my underpants and bra to the raincoat and shirt I wore on the train from Philadelphia, even my purse and shoes. This provincial soccer mom was going to New York disguised as a Sicilian widow.
The slumber party kicked off with a mid-afternoon fashion show. Cousin Marge showed off some supremely chic trinkets she’d bought at some fabulous online boutique; Cousin Mary modeled a pair of boots that could have paid our mortgage for a couple of months; and Cousin Carol, who is 46 and has three boys, just stood around, all five feet, nine inches of her, looking incredibly young, blonde and glamorous in her biker boots from Nordstrom. It was downhill from there. A glass of wine, and we were off to Bloomingdale’s, where the blue jeans cost more than a plane ticket to Los Angeles, and all the clothes are made for waifs and wraiths, not for women with curves and boobs and short waists. They pestered me to try things on (forget the price tag! try it on for fun!), but I was unmoved. The tops were too sheer, the sweaters too tight, the shoes too high, and the pants – well, let’s just say that they were low-cut enough for my belly to spill over the edge, like laundry on a clothesline.
At some point, I looked at them and said, “What I really need is a pair of loafers.” Who knew that was such a conversation stopper? You’d have thought I’d just farted in front of the Queen. After some knowing glances and an awkward pause, Cousin Carol patted me on the arm, eyeballed my Gap jeans, and said in a low voice, “Honey, you’ve just lost your mojo. We can take care of that.” Cousin Marge nodded, “You’re in mom mode, sweetie. It’ll change. Don’t worry.”
Wait a minute, I thought. They’re moms, too. But Cousin Marge looks 35, not 50, Cousin Mary has no kids to chase after and a wardrobe worth killing for, and Cousin Carol, well, I’m convinced she’s has a sinister self-portrait hidden in the attic of her Boston home. Somehow they have all persuaded their mojo to hang around, while mine has hung me out to dry. Power, charisma, sex appeal, spells, personal magnetism – according to dictionary.com, these are the definitions of mojo. And apparently, I’m all out of it. Next time I’m at Target, I’ll see if they have any in stock.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Dancing with Fidel
A dance at the country club in 1953, a chance
Friday, March 13, 2009
Recession Obsession
As recessions go, this one really bites. I think about it every day, every night, in the middle of the night when I go toe-to-toe with insomnia. It's affecting virtually every aspect of my family's life: going out to eat, grocery shopping, taking vacations, keeping our jobs, educating our children, even where we buy socks. And then there's recession stress. I'm stressed, my husband's stressed, and that makes our marriage a stressful place to be. It's bad enough when I feel guilty about spending money on lip gloss. Does my relationship with my spouse have to suffer as well? You betcha. I think the phrase "toxic assets" has more to do with our monthly bills than with any floppy sub-prime mortgages. Since the economy started its descent into the toilet, we alternate between ignoring the elephant in the room and talking about it until we're shouting at each other. Neither scenario really works.
The reality is that this recession is affecting nearly everyone, even Warren Buffett, even those of us who are well educated, financially responsible and good enough at what we do to command a respectable wage. Here's the rub. We have two kids in private school, and we've worked hard to be able to keep them there. But now we're faced with having to take one of them out next year and put him in public school, unless we can pull a financial rabbit out of our collective hat in the next nine months. I'd rather eat beanie-weenies for a year than deprive either of my children of a top-notch education. But have you seen how expensive beanie-weenies are these days? Never mind private school tuition.